I do not read magazines like Maxim, and the article 100 Things You Need to Know About Women, which, for some obscure reason, showed up on del.icio.us’ popular links list, has given me a rather blunt reminder as to why I don’t.

And my excuse for this? I was bored. Deal with it.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

The hair on my legs is not that friggin’ important. It never has been, and never will be.

96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.

Jewelry will be stored in a box and forgotten. Gimme some computer hardware or an RPG book if you want to give something that will be appreciated and used.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

The sight of you in your socks and underwear is cute. Funny patterns on your underwear makes it even cuter.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

Well, when they get it right, they get it right.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

I am norwegian, and my awful greyish-brown-blonde hair colour is usually hidden by dark dye. Naturally blonde hair is rarely similar to the bleached sexbomb-blonde.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

Damn straight!

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

Err. Why not? Do I have to tone down my l33t blowjob-skillz to be trusted?

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

Naked gaming for the win. I’ll out-dork you any time, baby.

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn’t get laid, you’re one of the 10.

... if someone helps me move and I don’t sleep with them, I’m using them? What the fuck is this crap?

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

Let her win? If I pick a fight, I want to win because my arguments are solid, not because somebody lets me win.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

HELL yeah!

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

Ewwww. Good thing I generally do not use lipstick.

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

I like being cute.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

I hate shopping for shoes, but if I have to get a new pair, they will bloody well be comfortable.

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

True. You guys have no idea how lucky you are.

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.

If all your articles contains as much bullshit as this one, I’m surprised you have any readers at all.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

Wow, such a sneaky way of implying only psycho jealous girls do anal. Way to go! Don’t mind sexual freedom whimpering in the corner.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

If I suddenly cut my hair short, it means I can’t be arsed to keep up with the ridiculous amounts of maintenance long hair requires. Long hair takes forever to dry, and I have to actually style it.

I keep my hair short, or my washed-and-combed-only long hair makes me look like Cousin Itt. Do you want a girlfriend who looks like Cousin Itt? No, don’t answer that.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

I’ll beat you if I’m better than you, and lose if I’m not. Don’t skew my statistics, dammit.

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

What the hell? If this is true for even a single girl out there: For Cthulhu’s sake, SIT DOWN.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

Speaking as someone who has been hit by a car (but luckily not run over by one), I would like to state that these ladies have no friggin’ clue what they’re talking about. I’ll take their body fat if they’ll take the pain in my knees.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

I know I’m smarter than my boyfriend in some significant way, just like he is smarter than me in some significant way. It all depends on the topic in question.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

I have one piercing. What’s my limit?

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don’t complain about it.

Which would make you complain less? Sci-fi, horror, or action? Those are my favourite type of films, after all.

11. She likes one of your friends.

Nah, your friends aren’t my type. I like the cute boy with the webcam, though.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

What the flying fuck?! My children, if I ever get any, will look adopted, because that’s what they will be. I wouldn’t mind changing my last name, but I doubt I’ll do that by way of marriage.

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

Hell no. Tell me everything about her.

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

Now you know: My collection of guns & knives doesn’t make me a serial killer.

1. You’ll probably never know how many guys she’s slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

I want to know every little detail about every girl you’ve ever slept with. Not returning the interest is ok, but if you do, why would I lie?